Does this sound like someone you know?
● S/he has a strict set of criteria that s/he use to rule out potential partners
● S/he justify turning someone down because s/he believes: "I have high standards"
● S/he rules out potential partners because s/he are afraid of them impinging on s/her lifestyle (i.e. how they might affect the time s/he have for friends, the gym, work, personal development, etc.)
● If s/he does let someone in, they must adhere to his/her schedule or it simply won't work
● His/her appearance is immaculate and s/he spends plenty of time getting ready before a night out on the town
● Even when things are going well s/he finds at least one thing wrong, which s/he is quick to point out so that s/he can go back to the single way of life
● S/he worries about what others think of her - and s/he definitely worries about what others think of his/her date!
● S/he applies her personal rules of perfection to her partner (i.e. dress code, hair style, diet, fitness, social life)
● S/he has a strong desire for others to perceive that s/he have the "perfect partnership"
If the answer is yes, you might want to consider if that person struggles with perfectionism.
What is Perfectionism and how is it infecting my dating?
Perfectionism involves the relentless striving for extremely high standards, judging one’s self-worth based largely on one’s ability to strive for and achieve these unrelenting standards and then despite the regular negative consequences involved in sticking to these impossible, demanding standards, continuing to go for them despite the huge cost.
Perfectionism in dating often manifests as the belief that the "perfect" relationship should be effortless, that the "right" partner will have no flaws, or that there is one ideal person out there who will meet all your expectations. This mindset may show up as:
Overanalyzing every detail: From the way someone smiles to how they text, you might scrutinize every little thing to determine if they’re truly “the one.”
Setting unrealistic standards: You could have a long list of qualities your partner must have, which may lead to disappointment when real people don't measure up to those high expectations.
Fear of imperfection: You might fear making mistakes, saying the wrong thing, or letting your guard down, believing that any flaw will ruin the potential for a perfect relationship.
Put bluntly, when one is more wed to his ideals about dating than to the potential for a meaningful, lasting relationship with an excellent partner with whom to grow together, he might be suffering from perfectionism.While aiming for high standards isn't inherently bad, perfectionism takes it a step further, often leading to frustration and feelings of inadequacy. Rather than embracing the vulnerability and growth that come with real connections, perfectionism traps us in an endless cycle of comparison and self-doubt.
How Perfectionism Affects Our Dating Lives
Missed Connections: When we hold onto rigid ideals about what a “perfect” partner should look like, we may overlook excellent matches who don’t check every box on our list right away. Perfectionists often dismiss potential partners for minor flaws or imperfections, even though those qualities may be part of what makes them unique, interesting, and ultimately a great match.
Unrealistic Expectations: Expecting everything to be flawless can set both you and your partner, as well as the relationship, up for failure. Every relationship will have challenges, quirks, and imperfections. Perfectionism causes us to be hyper-aware of these quirks and challenges, blowing them up because we were expecting smooth sailing all the time. This type of expectation leads to disappointment leading one to be preoccupied with questioning the relationship’s worth too soon.
Fear of Vulnerability: Perfectionism is often rooted in a fear of vulnerability — the idea that showing our true, imperfect selves will cause rejection or shame. In dating, this fear can keep us from being open, honest, and authentic. Instead of sharing our true thoughts and feelings, we may create a facade of being "perfect" to avoid feeling judged or misunderstood. However, it’s this vulnerability that actually fosters deeper intimacy and connection. What good is a relationship you are not being "real" in?
Chronic Self-Doubt: Perfectionists often struggle with imposter syndrome, doubting whether they’re “good enough” for the person they’re dating. Every misstep, awkward moment, or imperfection becomes evidence of their inadequacy. This can prevent us from enjoying the dating process and fully engaging with a partner, always worried about making a mistake.
Strained Relationships: Trying to live up to an unrealistic standard of perfection can cause strain in a relationship. Partners may feel they can never measure up, leading to frustration, resentment, or emotional distance. Moreover, when one or both people are focused on “perfection,” it can stifle the growth of the relationship, leaving little room for the messy, beautiful, and complex nature of human connection.
Breaking Free from Perfectionism in Dating
There are things people can do to successfully meet and treat their perfectionism and embrace dating and relationships more fully. Here at the Center for Anxiety Relief we can help people. Here are some tips for getting started:
Embrace Imperfections: Try to understand that no one is "perfect", including you. Every person has flaws, quirks, and past baggage that shape who they are. A truly meaningful connection doesn’t come from finding someone without flaws, but from being able to love someone BECAUSE of them. Remember, those "imperfections" are what makes a person unique and interesting.
Shift Your Focus to Compatibility, Not Perfection: Instead of looking for the “perfect” partner, focus on compatibility. Does this person share your core values? Do you enjoy spending time together? Can you communicate openly and honestly? These qualities are far more important than checking off an arbitrary list of traits. Compatibility is what builds a lasting relationship.
Practice Self-Compassion: Part of overcoming perfectionism is being kinder to yourself. Recognize that you don’t have to be perfect in order to be loved. Self-compassion means accepting your own imperfections and giving yourself grace when you make mistakes. When you can love and accept yourself fully, you’ll be able to extend that same understanding to others.
Allow for, and practice, Vulnerability: True connection is built on being open and vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to show your real self — the good, the bad, and everything in between. Vulnerability fosters trust and intimacy, allowing the relationship to grow naturally over time.
Learn to Enjoy the Journey: Dating doesn’t have to be about finding a flawless relationship. It can be an opportunity for growth, learning, and discovering more about yourself and others. Embrace the ups and downs, the learning moments, and the fun. Each relationship, no matter how it ends, offers valuable experiences that can shape your future.
Conclusion: Perfection Isn't the Goal, Connection Is
Microsoft’s policy is that if a product is 80% complete it is ready to launch. This policy is built on the principle that at 80%, it is workable and can be improved into a better system over time. Tal Ben Shahar, calls this the 80-20 rule and successfully applied it to the lives of regular people striving to find happiness instead of perfection and it served as the thesis of his course, the largest one ever taught at Harvard University (Ben Shahar, 2011).
Relationships are similar in that regard. Constant search, research, review, rebooting and booting out of relationships is personally harmful and can lead that quest for Mr./Mrs. “Right” to go on indefinitely. But the truth is, perfectionism is not a death sentence to a person or in a relationship. The issues are quite workable. Through good awareness and where necessary, therapeutic intervention, perfectionists can successfully learn to shed their rigid thought processes in favor of relationships that are built upon communication, trust, love and support for one another.
In the meantime, perfectionists (and those of us who love and live with them) are best off remembering a few good things about Mr./Mrs. Right:
Mr./Mrs. “Right…”
● “Is” (exists) and not “Should be” (a figment of imagination)
● Is a friend and partner, not a trophy
● Is “optimal” and “excellent” but hopefully not “Perfect”
● Is created together and not found ready made
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