Earlier this week, a friend asked me if I could offer her some advice. Her newly married daughter seemed to be stressed about dealing with a family member who seemed to suffer from anxiety and perfectionism. Wanting to be the good “new girl” she was always “trying to be there” and offer support, advice, validation and reassurance. However, it seems that no matter what the daughter did, it wasn’t helping. The newly married daughter was getting stressed and turned to her own mother for some tips for her to be helpful. What would YOU advise?
Here were some of my suggestions:
1. Understand What They’re Facing
Perfectionism isn’t about striving for excellence—it’s an unrelenting need to avoid mistakes and appear flawless, often leading to exhaustion, procrastination, or self-doubt. Anxiety, because it is the fuel that feeds the perfectionism, magnifies these struggles, fueling worries that can spiral out of control.
THEREFORE: As a family member, try to educate yourself about these conditions. Recognize that their behaviors stem from inner turmoil, not a desire to be difficult or distant.
2. Don’t try to “offer advice” and “Fix”
Create a safe space where your loved one feels heard.
Instead of trying to "fix" their problems, validate their feelings. For example, say, "I can see why this situation is stressful for you" rather than, "Don’t worry, it’s not a big deal."
3. Encourage Realistic Expectations
Perfectionists tend to have certain thinking styles that are black and white, all or nothing. That means that they tend to think if anything doesn’t seem to go right, everything went wrong. It might be helpful to help loved ones challenge their all-or-nothing thinking. For example:
THEREFORE: Gently remind them that “good enough” often leads to greater progress than striving for perfection. A wise man noted “The perfect is the enemy of the good.”
4. Model Healthy Behaviors
Your actions speak louder than words. Show them it’s okay to make mistakes:
THEREFORE:
Acknowledging your own imperfections openly especially around the perfectionist relative and learn to laugh at them.
Practicing relaxation techniques, like deep breathing or mindfulness, together.
5. Celebrate Their Efforts, Not Just Outcomes
Focus on their courage and effort rather than results.
THEREFORE:
Say things like, "I’m proud of you for tackling that challenge," rather than, "Good job on succeeding."
This shift reinforces the idea that their worth isn’t tied to perfection.
6. Take Care of Yourself Too
Supporting someone with anxiety and perfectionism can be emotionally taxing. Make sure you:
Set boundaries when you need a break.
Seek your own support network or therapy as necessary.
Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Your love and understanding can make a world of difference to someone struggling with anxiety and perfectionism. By showing compassion, modeling balance, and celebrating their progress, you can help them find their way to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Let them know they’re not alone—but remind yourself of the same. Together, you can take it one imperfect step at a time.
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