From our email box: “The Endless Tests: From Eliezer’s Signs to Modern Dating Obsessions” (Part 1)

Dear Dr. Schwartz,

I am a 25-year-old young woman dating seriously in the frum community, and the pressure to find my bashert (soulmate) is immense. Recently, I’ve been dating this guy who I thought is a wonderful man. Seriously, on paper, he has all the qualities I look for in a ben Torah (religious man) and a potential spouse.  But the longer we are going out and the more serious things seem to be getting, I have been tormented by these intense, intrusive questions: "Am I really attracted to him?," "Is he the one?,. Sometimes I’m plagued with the thought "What if I’m settling?" These thoughts hijack every phone call and date. They keep me up at night or early in the morning and I can’t stand them. Lately I’ve started to to perform repetitive "tests" to try to calm me down and prove that he is “perfect”—comparing him to others, analyzing his personality for flaws etc. On the one hand, I am not always sure that my “tests” are all that excessive when I consider the tests that Eliezer put out there to find a wife for Rivka. At the same time, I’m constantly seeking reassurance from my parents, teachers, Rabbis and friends. Even Eliezer had an end to his “tests”.  I think I'm either an awful person who can't commit, or worse, that these doubts mean I should break off the relationship. Is this just normal dating anxiety, or something deeper? Is there anything I can do?

I appreciate your advice,

Annie Daganit

Dear Annie,

 It must be difficult to be teasing apart relationship issues or what you call “normal dating anxiety” from the more intense experience you seem to be experiencing. This might seem especially difficult in light of However, the intense distress you describe sounds less like typical dating nerves and more like the clinical pattern known as Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD). This is a real, diagnosable subtype of OCD, and it targets the most important aspect of a person’s life: their relationships.  Let’s break it down a bit and see where this might fit you.

What is ROCD?

ROCD, like OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in general)  is characterized by two main components:

1. Obsessions (R-OCD): Repetitive, persistent, unwanted intrusive thoughts (the doubts, "What if...?" questions, or images) about the nature, quality, or "rightness" of a relationship, or about the partner's flaws.

2. Compulsions (R-OCD): Repetitive mental or physical acts performed to neutralize the anxiety caused by the obsessions. These are the "tests" and constant analysis you mentioned.

In ROCD you might notice some of the following common Obsessions and Compulsions:

ROCD Obsessions	ROCD Compulsions
Partner-Focused: Hyper-focusing on perceived flaws: "His nose is slightly crooked. Does this mean he's not 'perfect' for me?"	Constant Comparison: Obsessively comparing the partner to past dates, friends' spouses, or even fictional characters.
Feeling-Focused: Doubting your subjective feeling: "I didn't feel a 'spark' on the third date. Does that mean the relationship is doomed?"	Reassurance Seeking: Repeatedly asking friends, "Do you think we're a good match?" or "Is it normal to feel this way?"
Relationship-Focused: Fears about the status: "What if we end up getting divorced because I didn't verify every single fact about his past?"	Mental Reviewing: Constantly re-running conversations and dates in your head, analyzing every look, phrase, or gesture for proof of incompatibility.
Avoidance: Intentionally not spending time with the partner to avoid triggering obsessive thoughts, only to feel guilty later.

If any of these sound like your experience, you might consider an ROCD diagnosis.  

How is ROCD different from “normal dating anxiety”?

While both ROCD and regular dating anxiety involve doubt and worry, they differ fundamentally in how they manifest and what the person does in response. We can see differences in 3 different areas: The nature of the concern, the duration and intensity and the way the person responds to the concerns. Let’s break each one down:

1.       The nature of the concern:

While normal dating nerves tend to focus on realistic concerns, perhaps about the future or certain external factors like finances or where you live or how the relationship progresses, topics that can lead to productive problem solving actions, ROCD concerns are different. They tend to be ego-dytonic, intrusive, and cause anxiety disproportionate to the concern leading to an inability to identify and solve issues. In other wods – the key here is the “D” – or disorder it causes in the sufferers life.

Feature	Regular Dating Nerves	Relationship OCD (ROCD)
Focus	Realistic concerns about the relationship's future or logistics (e.g., "Will our long-distance relationship work?" or "Do we share enough hobbies?").	Intrusive, ego-dystonic thoughts (thoughts inconsistent with one's self-perception) about the perfection or rightness of the partner/feeling (e.g., "What if he's not attractive enough?", "What if I don't feel the 'spark' for the rest of my life?").
Productivity	Leads to action. The doubt motivates productive communication or evaluation (e.g., you talk to your partner about the concern).	Leads to paralysis and circular thinking. The doubt leads to endless analysis and "testing," not resolution.
Content	Concerns are usually about external factors (e.g., finances, family acceptance, career alignment).	Concerns are often about subjective feelings or minor physical/personality flaws that are hyper-analyzed (e.g., a specific way they chew, an unimportant differing opinion).

2.       Intensity and Duration

Another area that highlights the differences between normal dating nerves and ROCD is in regard to the intensity and duration of the anxiety or “nerves” Normal dating nerves are related to “big steps” as the relationship progresses. They tend to be temporary and while uncomfortable, do not upend life. And, as the trust and commitment grow, the nerves tend to fade. In the case of ROCD, the opposite seems to be the case. The anxiety tends to be pervasive, constant, persistent and debilitating. This has nothing to do with the actual relationship, rather the condition itself attacking the sufferer in an area s/he considers most important and vulnerable, leaving the sufferer in doubt and highly anxious.

Feature	Regular Dating Nerves	Relationship OCD (ROCD)
Intensity	Moderate and situational. Anxiety spikes before a big event (like meeting parents) but subsides afterward.	High and chronic. The anxiety is almost constant and significantly interferes with enjoying the relationship or daily activities.
Duration	Temporary. The nerves fade as trust and comfort grow, or after a decision is made.	Persistent and ego-dystonic. The doubts often intensify after a positive step (like engagement), creating more distress despite objective proof of commitment.
Impact on Life	While bothersome, usually does not cause significant impairment in work, school, or other social activities.	The constant mental battle can be exhausting and debilitating, leading to avoidance, poor concentration, and sometimes depression.

3.       The response

One of the most distinct ways that ROCD differs from regular dating nerves is the way that the person will deal with the anxiety. Regular dating nerves bring about worry and the response works to eliminate the worry. ROCD brings compulsions intended to eliminate the anxiety brought on by the obsessions. While perhaps temporarily reducing the anxiety for a short time, the compulsions tend to fail the person, leaving him or her to a more intense experience of anxiety and a cycle of obsessions and compulsions. Even attempts to avoid the anxiety producing thoughts by avoiding their mention fail leaving the sufferer anxious, unsure and often hopeless.

Response	Regular Dating Nerves	Relationship OCD (ROCD)
Reassurance Seeking	Asking a trusted friend or advisor (parent or teacher) knowledgeable about the relationship  for advice once.	Repeated, frantic requests for external validation from multiple sources (friends, family, online forums) or constant internal self-reassurance to neutralize the fear.
Mental Review	Thinking briefly about whether the last date went well.	Hours spent mentally reviewing every conversation, look, and gesture to find definitive proof that the partner is "right" or "wrong." This often involves a "tallying" system.
Testing	Observing your partner in a challenging situation to gauge their character.	Actively creating artificial "tests" (e.g., flirting with someone else to see if they get jealous, or imagining breaking up to see how bad it feels) to generate a feeling that will confirm the "rightness" of the decision.
Avoidance	Taking a night off from dating because you're tired.	Avoiding intimacy, deep conversation, or future planning with your partner specifically to escape the intrusive thoughts that these steps trigger.

Summary: The Litmus Test is in the “D”

Again, a  key distinction is the level of disorder in your life brought on by the anxiety.

Regular anxiety says, "I'm nervous about our future, so let's talk about our budget."

ROCD says, "I'm nervous about our future, so I must spend the next three hours mentally analyzing his smile to determine if it truly reflects kindness, and then text three people to ask if they think we're soulmates."

If the anxiety is chronic, overwhelming, and drives you to perform repetitive, ritualistic behaviors (mental or physical) to neutralize the thought, it strongly suggests ROCD.

In our next post, we will focus on different approaches to dealing with your concerns and what you can do about it.