Please send someone else...

Meet Chaim. Twenty years ago, he received an aliyah and was reciting the blessings slowly when the gabbai made an insulting comment. That single moment changed everything. Now, at 40 with six children, Chaim finds himself avoiding shul entirely. When he does attend, he slips out before the Torah reading and times his return carefully to avoid being called up. The fear has followed him to every shul, every city—an invisible prison built from one painful experience.

Or consider Dov, a brilliant Torah scholar and author of a plethora of volumes on a myriad of Torah subjects. Despite his accomplishments, he's never given a shiur. He writes instead. He CANNOT give the Shiur, he is just too scared.  His anxiety extends beyond the halls of the beis Hamidrash: when his daughters are expecting, he worries not just about their health, but about whether he'll have to speak at a bris or shalom zachar. The thought of saying kaddish for a parent, of davening at the amud if they should, God Forbid, pass away is not in their loss.—His primary fear is that people will see him blush.

If these stories resonate with you, you're experiencing something that has ancient roots and modern solutions.

The Biblical Precedent

struggle is not new. When Hashem called Yirmiyahu to be a prophet to the nations (as he did in the Sefardi selection of the Haftara for Parshas Shemos) , the young Novi's immediate response was one of panic: "Ahah, Hashem! I don't know how to speak, for I am a youth!" Metzudos David explains that Yirmiyahu was saying, "I cannot arrange the words of prophecy with eloquent language, for I am still young and not accustomed to this."

And look at the strong debate back and forth between Moshe and Hashem which appeared in Parshas Shemos and will re-express itself in Moshe’s repeated attempts in Parshas Voera to get out of speaking to and on behalf of the people. Moshe Rabbeinu, the greatest Jewish teacher, told Hashem: "I am not a man of words... I am heavy of mouth and heavy of tongue." These weren't mere excuses—they were genuine expressions of the anxiety that comes with public speaking and performance.

What was their panic all about? Is it relevant to your issues when you get up to speak publicly?

Understanding What's Happening to Your Body

When you're called to the amud or for an aliyah, your body may respond with a cascade of physical symptoms:

·         Blushing and sweating

·         Dry mouth

·         Racing heart and palpitations

·         Trembling or muscle tension

·         Gastrointestinal discomfort

·         A sense of paralysis

These aren't signs of weakness. They're your autonomic nervous system responding to perceived danger. The problem isn't the response itself—it's that the danger isn't real.

The Real Culprit: Your Thoughts

What drives this anxiety isn't the amud itself, but what you're telling yourself. Some possibilities include:

·         "They will reject me"

·         "I will be exposed as an am ha'aretz"

·         "I'll tremble and be removed from the amud"

·         "If they see how anxious I am, they'll think I'm crazy"

·         "I'll stumble and be unable to continue"

·         "I'll pass out and they'll call Hatzolah"

These thoughts create a vicious cycle: negative thinking leads to hypervigilance, which amplifies your focus on potential failure, which increases anxiety, which makes you more self-focused during the actual event, which confirms your fears. Which brings you back to the negative thinking. Each cycle strengthens the pattern and increases the anxiety.

Breaking Free from Anxiety: Practical Strategies for Public Performances

1. Challenge Your Negative Thoughts

Step 1: Identify the thought: try this one  "I'll make a mistake and everyone will know I'm an am ha'aretz."

Step 2: Challenge it:

·         Do I know for certain I'll make a mistake?

·         Even if I'm nervous, will people necessarily think I'm incompetent?

·         Looking nervous doesn't equal looking foolish

·         The worst that could happen is... and I can live with that

Step 3: Set attainable goals: "I only have to make it through the brachos, one at a time."

2. Use Exposure Therapy

You cannot just talk about it—you need to do it. But you don't need to do it all at once.

Start with a hierarchy:

·         Make kiddush in front of one trusted friend

·         Say a bracha aloud in a small minyan

·         Take an aliyah at a weekday minyan where you know people

·         Daven at a Heicha Shmoneh Esrai mincha minyan

·         Gradually work toward larger, more challenging situations

The key: stay in the situation until your anxiety decreases or the task is complete. Don't run. Each exposure strengthens your coping skills.

3. Try "Social Mishap Exposures"

This technique, reminiscent of Novardok mussar practices, involves deliberately creating small social "mistakes" to prove they're not catastrophic:

·         Ask for directions to a place you're standing right in front of

·         Ask in a supermarket what aisle the bicycles are in

·         Intentionally make a small error and notice that the world doesn't end

These exercises help you internalize that social errors are common, survivable, and far less significant than you imagine.

4. Build Your Anxiety Toolbox

Practical techniques for the moment:

·         Be well-rested before situations that might trigger anxiety

·         Use the "stop sign" image to slow racing thoughts

·         Remember each bracha is a fresh start—one stumble doesn't doom the rest

·         Ground yourself: keep your finger in the siddur, stay in the present moment

·         Take a deep exhale before beginning

·         Start slightly louder than feels natural—it's easier to modulate down than up

·         Use modeling: watch others and learn from their approach

5. Shift Your Perspective

Mitzvos don't bring shame. As Rav Wolbe writes in Alei Shor, when your heart is elevated in Hashem's ways (as in Divrei HaYamim: "His heart was elevated in the ways of Hashem"), there is no room for the paralyzing fear of others' judgment.

What You'll Learn from Exposure

With each step forward, you'll discover:

·         Even when anxious, you can meet your goals

·         Anxiety is brief; the rewards of persisting are large

·         Errors are not catastrophic

·         Social mishaps are common and okay

·         Being "different" is not being "bad"

The Importance of Commitment

Research shows that those with higher commitment to change show better treatment response. Identify your barriers to change—whether it's fear, shame, or past experiences—and work on them deliberately. Remember that ups and downs are part of the process. Persistence matters more than perfection.

Moving Forward

Consistently challenging your anxiety, persistently seeking new opportunities to practice, and reinforcing your gains will lead to lasting change. Even after you've made significant progress, continued practice is critical.

Remember Hashem's words to Yirmiyahu, which apply to each of us: "Do not fear them, for I am with you to save you."  Metzudos Dovid explains: "Do not be afraid of those to whom I send you, lest you stumble in your speech and they become angry with you—for I am with you to save you from those who would harm you."

You are not alone in this struggle. Help is available, change is possible, and the amud—that place that once filled you with dread—can become a source of connection, meaning, and spiritual elevation.

Your voice deserves to be heard.

If you or someone you know might benefit from help overcoming social anxiety – whether at the Amud or public speaking or even in social situations or dating, please feel free to contact the people at L’Hargiyo Yisroel and catch our video on this subject here…

and reach out to us at the Center for Anxiety Relief today.