Becoming and Belonging

I had a great time sharing ideas about mental health awareness and the community in Woodmere this week. We shared practical tips and ideas. Here is a summary of one of the talks -- with tips:

Becoming and Belonging: A Torah perspective on mental health[1]

 Woodmere, NY

I want to recognize the incredible effort of the community as a whole for dedicating a Shabbos to mental health awareness. There is such major need to address a topic that is so prevalent yet often gets hidden in the shadows:

When I asked my colleague and friend, Dr. Yaakov Freedman[2] a Harvard trained Psychiatrist with an extensive practice in Israel about how to discuss mental health issues in a community, – he recommended that I sum up the statistics this way:  Based on the current statistics out there, in a community of 20,000, there are 1,000 mothers suffering from Post Partum Depression (and though I am not here to do math, I believe that based on the shul’s current membership, that works out to close to 75. Look around, are we realizing that in a Shul of our size there are possibly 75 moms who might be suffering with Post Partum Depression – not to mention the greater Woodmere community?)

Dr. Freedman added that statistically speaking, another 1000 families in that same 20,000 have serious mental health issues – it could be Generalized Anxiety and/or panic or anger issues, Depression or Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Serious substance abuse issues (and these could include legal and illegal drugs, alcohol, gambling and wild relationships). Each one of these conditions wreak havoc not only on the person suffering with the condition but also on the families and loved ones as well.[3](Again, sorry but by my math that again would point to approximately 75 families – again WAY too large now that I think about it.)  With that perspective and reminder in mind, we can certainly agree that highlighting mental health, especially in our Orthodox Jewish community, is a big thing – because by spending time recognizing it, realizing it, discussing it and addressing it with practical heads on approaches, we can do something about it.

 While I don’t think we’ll be able to solve EVERYTHING in the next few moments – we can start developing a path with real practical approaches – to tackling it within each of us and within this terrific community.

Forgive me but when I tackle a topic, I like to look at Torah personalities, especially ones in this week’s Parasha[4], who might provide some guidance for tackling big issues in our lives.  Thus far, I haven’t really been let down and this week, Baruch Hashem, is no different. You see in this week’s Parsha there is one person who crystalizes how we might deal with issues like mental health both personally and in our community. I’m talking about Yehuda.

That’s right, Yehuda. (I’ll bet you thought I was going the Yaakov or Yosef route – but actually it is Yehuda who is the man with the plan). After all, he opens the Parasha by rising up to protect Binyamin and challenge the viceroy who was the big threat to Jewish survival. It’s interesting (and the Gra notes this in the opening trup of the Parasha[5]) that it was Yehuda who stepped up since he was, the fourth son. Why does HE step up to the plate here? What does that tell us about him?

Also, Yaakov later sends him into the land of Goshen to establish the Yeshiva[6]. Once again, Yehuda is the founding Rosh Hayeshiva and not Yissochar, Shimon or Levi all of whom had bigger jobs as Torah teachers. Why not any of them? Why not Yosef? Doesn’t he know all of the contractors and zoning laws?  Why of all of the children does Yaakov send Yehuda?   

And one final point – while in the end of the book of Beraishis it seems that it is Yosef who turns out to be the hero – his dreams come true and he sustains Bnei Yisrael. He emerges with a Pi Shnayim, a double portion in the land of Israel but ultimately isn’t it Yehuda whom we celebrate? Who in this room does not identify with Yehuda – are we not all YEHUDIM[7]?

So there’s something about Yehuda that puts him out on top. Perhaps it’s actually three different things: Yehuda is one who knows how to be, how to do and how to create community.

That’s right. Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus[8] explains that we are called Yehudim because no matter what or where, we know that we hold the inner Kedusha inside just like Yehuda did and his future generations too – היתה יהודה לקדשו we said in Hallel all week – Yehuda sanctifies just in his being.

Yehuda is also the man of action. For good (or otherwise) when choices need to be made, Yehuda makes them and follows through. Hence, he was the one to stand up to the Egyptian viceroy even if it was more of Reuven’s place.

Finally, Yehuda always puts community first. Both[9] Rav Yosef Kahaneman[10] and Rav Moshe Tzvi Neriah[11] point out that Yehuda was the ideal person to establish the Yeshiva in Goshen since he was the only one who said “אנכי אערבנו I take responsibility for him (referring to Binyamin) ". Yehuda takes communal responsibility seriously.

Perhaps within Yehuda’s personage we will find the spiritual secrets for tackling life stressors and finding mental health. Let’s consider them built on Yehuda’s triad of being, doing and community.

Let’s start with the concept of “Being” in mental Health  

 Every year at the Seder we declare: אילו קרבנו לפני הר סיני ולא נתן לנו את התורה דיינו Had Hashem brought us close to Har Sinai and not given us the Torah it would still be enough of a reason to thank him. Why? Because being there makes a difference. 

Maybe in the Being category there are certain lessons we can take away for stress:

Lesson #1 – To be there is to be immersed in the experience. 

Frankly, we do not like to be fully immersed in our present. Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski[12] often told story of when he went to a spa and was to sit in whirlpool for 15 minutes and could last for 5. He reported terror, left, excused self – etc. When contemplating why he couldn’t stay the entire 15 minutes, he realized that he couldn’t handle the stressed of BEING with himself. Dr. Pelcovitz[13] loves to remind his students about a study in the famous journal Science[14] that found that when people were left in a room to be alone with their thoughts for an hour and provided only with a shock machine that they could use to shock themselves and distract– 68% of men and 25% of women gave selves a painful shock instead being alone in the room with their thoughts. (That’s CRAZY!!! No?)

Ramchal says it is common and it is a challenge. In Mesilas Yesharim (Chapter 21) he notes that the Mafsidei HaChassidius, that which keeps one from piety is we are so busy with our worries and business we lack time for hisbonenus – contemplation. Without hisbonenus there is no Chassdius.  Do you know that the average person checks  his or her phone 86 times a day or approximately once every 11 minutes? Where are we to find time to “be” with ourselves and our own thoughts in order to grow form them?

Asa psychologist I like to use exercises to help crystalize ideas and here is exercise #1 that can help us work on our own mental health:

·         Exercise #1 – Take time (only 5 minutes) of day to just sit with self and see your thoughts – not just your feeling – your THOUGHTS. Don’t solve them, don’t reject them, don’t judge them. Just sit and record them…. Allow yourself to “be”.

And if that is so easy, why don’t we do this all the time?

Lesson #2: “Be” and don’t “Be not”

Because we are so stressed, we tend to devalue ourselves – ESPECIALLY in front of other people. Our innate desire to want approval from others often inhibits the way we allow ourselves to just “be”. Now think about this for a moment – How many Eating Disorders, Anxieties, Depressions and Addictions exist in the Jewish community because of our desire to find approval in the eyes of others and the fears that we will not. The pressure of the outside and measuring up tends to lead people to defer themselves to the masses.  It reminds me of Rashi’s famous comment in Parshas Shlach about how the Miraglim (the spies) saw themselves as small because that is the way they were perceived by the people in the land.  Rashi comments and his words are still so sharply ingrained in me from the way I heard them from Rav Ahron Soloveitchik over 30 years ago when he thundered “If you THINK you are a grasshopper than you ARE a grasshopper.  We cannot allow ourselves to be victims of social pressure and social stigma if we are going to achieve mental health.

And as for the approval seeking, while it is not a good plan to just do what you “want”, it is a great plan to have a personal worth plan where you know your own values, Torah-based and developed values  and take time to see your values as distinct from others. In that regard,  I’m enamored with the Kotzker Rebbe’s comments: “I am I and You are you then I am and you are but if I am I because you are you then I am not and you are not.”  So again, observation and lesson # 2 “BE” – don’t “BE NOT”.

·         Exercise #2 – Be decisive – and express it in word. Take time out to share input from someone who offered an approach or a comment to you. Practice engaging him or her with an awareness of their thoughts and your personal reflection and opinion. Hear yourself engage with comments that begin  “I thought about what you said/implied etc. and I think…” Concentrate on the words – I think… be distinct. Own it -- It works.

Then there is the “Doing” part of mental health.

Lesson #3:  You gotta  “DO” mental health

 I grew up in this community and remember and played in some of the great basketball rivalries between the schools. In the middle of one of our practices right before a famous HAFTR-HALB matchup I got called out by the coach, Dwight Bloomquist. He yelled at me from the scrimmage sidelines “Swartzie, you can’t be slappin’ at the ball. If you want the ball, you gotta go Get it.” That’s right, you cannot just “be there”  to attain mental health, you need to do things to work at it. Even when you don’t know if it will work right away.  In fact, the author of the Sefer HaChinuch (Parshas Bo) coins a great phrase “אחרי הפעולות נמשכים הלבבות – the heart follows the actions”.  My grandmother used to tell me “Darling, you may be the psychologist, but I’m the Grandma. Grandmas know that there is no better remedy for being down than putting on lipstick” She’s 100% correct. Do activities that foster mental health even you don’t think It works.  So many of the different modalities of therapy[15] are all built on the idea you DO it first.  It doesn’t necessarily make sense logically when you start, but it holds true when you DO it. Naaman the general of Aram thought he didn’t need to follow Elisha’s prescription for curing his leprosy since he knew it all. But he was wrong – sometimes you just gotta do it.

·         Exercise #3 –  When you are experiencing stressful times pick a pleasant activity and just go DO it[16].

Lesson # 4: You “gotta do it” more than once

While we are on the subject, just trying or doing things once, it once doesn’t work. There is a Jewish concept of Hergel – of making things habitual. The Kitzur Shulchan Aruch notes that when it comes to breaking a sleep in habit, doing it 4-5 times makes it so that it becomes easier.  Take the time to keep to “doing” things for your mental health and stick to them. And allow me to add, if you monitor and reinforce the victories in your DOING – it helps.

·         Exercise #4 – Set up “Doing” goals and keep to them. Also, monitor and reinforce and encourage yourself along the way.

Finally,  the thing about the community:

We got to being and doing – and 2 ideas for exercises for each. I want to end with a focus on the communal aspect. Yehuda ultimately becomes the leader of the Jewish people because he takes responsibility for his family. Here I believe is the one idea I want to suggest for a COMMUNAL mental health Shabbos. Be  נושא בעול  - Help carry the burden. There is a tendency toward an online disinhibition effect – to isolate ourselves behind screens, texts and WhatsApps instead of face to face interactions. But the opposite is true too. Rav Chaim Shmuellevitz, during the  Yom Kippur War encouraged the Talmidim of Mir to specifically get to know the soldiers. Know their families – Be present.  The Young Israel of Woodmere and its membership has ALWAYS been a leader in not only supporting needs for Jews world-wide but also for showing its personal care for them.  Perhaps though, we can get other communities to learn from us that community mental health starts with each of us thinking about the needs within our own community.  If we want the statistics we started with to go down, we don’t achieve that by not being aware of  the numbers and we don’t get there by waiting for someone else to be there to lend a listening ear.

·         Exercise #5 – Look to be a resource within your neighborhood. It might be with taking the time to lend an ear to someone who seems to be having it rough or checking in on people you haven’t seen in a while who might benefit from a stop in and or an invitation for coffee. Maybe sit next to the person who always seems so alone in Shul – simply sharing a good Shabbos or a good word after davening. Help facilitate playdates among community members who don’t always get invited because the parents or the children are a bit “out of the box”, help the families who might be going through struggles get their kids to Shul for groups or involved in parent-child learning even when the parent cannot be there. The possibilities here are endless and the time commitment minimal versus the benefit.

I want to tell you what an incredible addition to our efforts Rav Axelrod just announced when he noted that the Shul was going to be offering everyone access to resources to enhance our own efforts. Knowing where to turn and how to best help will bring our community far.

Again, it is amazing that we are sharing a Shabbos dedicated to mental HEALTH. I am sure that it will serve as a model for communities around the world to do the same. Using Yehuda’s lead with his life, we’ve discussed how being and doing healthy and practical steps can make a difference in developing mental health not only for ourselves but for and within the community.

So now I’d like to end, ironically with a word of Kefira. Rav Moshe Leib Sassover used to say, when it comes to Chessed and community matters – don’t be content with saying Hashem Yaazor – God will help.  “Be a Kofer[17] for Chessed,” he would urge. “don’t wait for your trust in Hashem, go do it yourself.” I am here to ask the same – Be a Kofer to lend that ear, help that family, invite those kids over and help them with groups and don’t wait for Hashem to send someone else. Be a kofer -- but just this once.

[1] The following is a summary transcript of the comments from Rabbi Dr. Jonathan Schwartz PsyD who was our Scholar in residence in our Shul on Shabbos Parashas Vayigash 5785 which we dedicated to Mental Health Awareness in our community and ourselves. Rabbi Dr. Schwartz can be reached through his website www.njanxietyrelief.com

[2] https://drjacoblfreedman.com/psychiatric-services/

[3] And remember not all of the diagnoses nor everyone with the same diagnosis is the same nor are the situations or impact and stresses the same.

[4] It’s not only a Rabbinic hazard, it’s something we who grew up here in the Young Israel were taught to do from the Rabbinic leadership both past and present

[5] The Vilna Gaon notes that the first 3 notes at the opening of the Parasha are “Kadma v’Azla Rev’ii” suggesting a sub-text to the conversation between Yehuda and the Viceroy wherein the Viceroy asked him why he, as the fourth brother stepped forward. The next three notes “Zarka Munach Segol” provide the answer –as if to say that Yehuda told the viceroy that he had accepted the responsibility and stood to lose his precious treasure (Olam Haba) if he didn’t step up. There was probably not a year when I was growing up that this Dvar Torah was not mentioned at YIW’s junior congregation.

[6] Beraishis 46:28

[7] Being Jewish is about being a part of Yehuda

[8] Rabbi Shimshon Dovid Pincus  (August 1944 – April 12, 2001) was an Israeli Mashgiach of American origin, who served in the Yeshiva of Ofaqim. His 28 volumes mostly titled “Nefesh Shimshon” have become extremely popular among our youth and community.

[9] Rav Hershel Billet often pointed out to us that when the same thought is expressed from multiple Jewish camps it must be true.

[10] Rav Yosef Shlomo Kahaneman, famed Ponevezher Rav, was the founder of the Ponevezh Yeshiva in Bnei Brak and heavily involved in the development of many of the community structures there. He was a renown Talmid Chacham whose wisdom was only matched by his devotion to the Jewish people and their wellbeing.

[11] Rav Moshe-Zvi Neria was the founder and Rosh Hayeshiva of the Bnei Akiva Yeshiva in Kfar Haroeh. One of Rav Avraham Yitzchak Hakohein Kook’s top students, Rav Neriah and his Yeshiva and their students are well known for their far reaching influence of Religious Zionist thought in the Torah world. Rav Neriah also served as a member of Knesset for the National Religious Party between 1969 and 1974 Israeli educator, writer, and rosh yeshiva who served as a member of the Knesset for the National Religious Party between 1969 and 1974.  

[12] Rav Dr. Abraham J. Twerski was both an incredible Chassidishe Rebbe, scion of the Chernobyl dynasty as well as a world renown psychiatrist who was world renown for his contributions to substance abuse treatment and made incredible contributions to the Jewish orthodox world of mental health including his over 60 books on the topic.

[13] Often identified as the “Dean” of orthodox Jewish mental health, Dr. David Pelcovitz has been guiding clinicians Rabbis, teachers, educators, parents and children – throughout the Jewish world for over 40 years. He holds the Gwendolyn and Joseph Straus Chair in Psychology and Jewish Education at the Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education and Administration at Yeshiva University, trains rabbis at RIETS and has been making major contributions to the world of mental health with a focus on trauma and abuse in children and positive parenting and educating.

[14] https://www.science.org/content/article/people-would-rather-be-electrically-shocked-left-alone-their-thoughts#:~:text=Afterward%2C%20the%20team%20asked%20the,reports%20online%20today%20in%20Science.

[15] Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Exposure-Response prevention for anxiety Disorders(Ex/RP), PCIT (parent child interactive therapy), Engaging positive behaviors to handle depression, and 12 step programs for addictions  to name a few of the techniques and styles that rely on this idea.

[16] A basic list of pleasant activities for mental health is included herein

[17] Apostate